Part 103: It's A Wonderful Life
NINETY-ONE UPDATES AGO...
You are called upon to submit yourself to the taint for the greater good.
From this moment forth, you are a Grey Warden.
*FLASH*
...She's not breathing.
Damn. I really thought that one would get through. She had 'protagonist' written all over her. It happens. We must continue. Yeah. I'm sure things will work out. ... I mean, you've still got me. ... ...What?PART 103: IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE
Previously posted:
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn...
It's the end of the world!
Woo!
In Ferelden’s final hours, the archdemon sets the darkspawn horde upon the great city of Denerim.
You are a hurlock vanguard, born to lead and eager for blood.
I loooove blood.
The archdemon‘s whispers compel you forward--compel you to kill.
Murrrrderrrrr.... it'sssss aweeeesooooome. It is awesome.
(Recruit a thrall, Vanguard.) Can I recruit a better one than him? (NO.)
(Assist the ogre.) (Kill the defenders!) Oh boy!
[Welcome to the Darkspawn Chronicles, Dragon Age's weirdest DLC. It's set in an alternate universe where our Warden died during the Joining, and Alistair was left to carry the can. We can see how well that's turned out.]
[Our lovely hero. His name is Derek and he enjoys reading by candlelight, long winter walks, and eating children.]
[Derek is a standard fighter with standard fighter powers. The exception is his 'enthrall' ability which lets you conscript other darkspawn into your gang. Such as this genlock chump.]
You're not my real father.
[You must buy your minion's affections with the gift of blood. Killing enough defenders to max out everyone's affection is piss easy, this is a very combat-heavy DLC]
I bet there was a lovely little neighborhood here once. Whatever, dad. You just said... I know what I said.
[I recruit some Hurlocks to pad out our numbers. Hurlocks and genlocks both have almost the same stats and function as basic fighter units for our army.
Allied darkspawn respawn endlessly in this zone, so there's always plenty of meat shields.]
I'm happy to help!
Ah! I wish she'd stop shouting inside my brain.
Big man! Want to join my gang?
OGRE!!! Oh yeah. Four to a party... Eenie meenie miney... moe. Aw, nuts.
[You can't dismiss minions from your party, only execute them. If a big fight is dragging on, it is often a good idea to kill the wounded or weak and recruit reinforcements from the NPC darkspawns.]
Welcome aboard! OGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE!!! You said it!
[Ogres are great. They fight similarly to Shale in the main game, but also have the power to pick people up and beat the heck out of them. It is deeply satisfying.]
[There are certain barricades that only ogres can break down- we were trapped in this area by the crates ahead until we gained access to the ogre's beefy fists.]
*BOOM!*
It sure would have been embarassing if this invasion had been thwarted by three crates and an upturned cart.
But what does any of us know of death? It truly is the undiscovered... (Kill him, you idiot.)
OOOOOOOOOOOOGRE!!!
Time out! I'm calling a time out!
[Unfortunately, Cauthrien showed up to ruin everyone's fun as usual.]
It's all up to me now. Me, who they said would never amount to anything. They called me a chump! Well, I'll show them. I'll show them all!
Let's not get carried away. She was only a human.
Good job, team. Where's next?
Chaos reigns... Ogre?
*BOOM!*
Cripes!
(Beware the ballista, Vanguard.) Yes, think I got that one. (Cut down the commander.)
(The sapper destroys gates.) (The alienage gate remains.)
Welcome to the gang, Sneaks.
Don't call me that.
[Shrieks are our only stealth unit. They're dual wielding speedy rogue types with multiple skills that let them stun or pin down foes. They're useful, but I prefer ogres.]
Is that your sweet breath on my neck, Sarge?
Sweet mother of mercy, nooooo!
[The cameos start coming thick and fast now. Remember Ser Perth? Good ol' Perth.]
I knew I shouldn't have come in to work today. Oooogre.
DRAGON UPPERCUT!
[To lure out the Lord you need to kill civilians in this area. Some, like Gorim, are armed, but most are helpless. EEEEEVIL.]
He's innocent! Kill him!
[Eventually the Lord will come out to fight you. It's Bann Teagan! Bye, Teagan.]
AAAAAaaaaaaaaa... urk.
[Erm... Landry?]
I love to watch you work.
I'm full of explosives! Could you stand a little further away? Little further. Great.
Oh no! Drunks!
If anyone's going to burn this city down, it's going to be me!
Anyone want to eat this guy? You can have him. ...No, I'm good.
You sure you can blow this gate? It's made out of wood. I could probably eat through it given enough time.
[I don't know what the ogre's doing in this screenshot, but it looks like fun.]
Don't kill me, I'm rich!
[It's Master Wade and Herren, from the armor shop.]
Time to die, moustache.
[And then Herren turns into a desire demon. Shocking minor character revelation in a DLC?!]
*poof!*
Ogre? Let's just forget that ever happened.
[It's time for another cameo.]
[This battle can be tricky because yes, that is Wynne in the background, and she is just as good at healing as before.]
No... I still had so much advice to give... Onward to victory!NEXT TIME: The end of the world! Woo!
NEW CODEX CONTENT:
Alternate Oghren
Alternate Wynne